TOM programming language

No, not a programming language named after me, but a real programming language with my name! Some of the key features from Reasons for TOM (intentionally taken out of context here) are:

  • In TOM, a class need not be defined by one monolithic definition: its definition can be split into multiple parts... split personality? You bet!
  • In TOM, the functionality...follows logically from TOM's use of dynamic binding, multiple inheritance, and deferred method declarations Sounds logical - if I ever need dynamic binding, I'll just power up the old TOM interface
  • TOM is strongly type checked at compile time... Last time I got 'compiled' was by my wife when we were wrestling
  • A TOM condition can be signaled... It's a kind of funny wave and raise of the eyebrows
  • TOM undoubtebly comes with its own problems solved by other languages... Some problems are unsolvable, though
All of which sounds mostly true and relatively painful.

Now if I designed a real programming language with all the benefits of Tom, it would only work 80% of the time, not at all on Sundays, frequently get melancholy over things that it was perfectly happy about at other times, be a pretty competitive language and get sooky when it didn't win, have terrible output (handwriting), get more bloated the older it got until it finally sharpened up and went on a diet (losing a lot of functionality and unable to digest things it had previously been able to import), download constantly and smellily, crack jokes while it was running something and sometimes do things automatically because "that's the way you liked it before, right?" Altogether no use for my wife. Tom would be getting the reboot frequently!

Which also sounds painful!

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